Monday, December 13, 2010

Whats Left of Me..

Well, by now, some of you probably are wondering whats going on. I've talked to the people who have text'd me, so they know what happened, so for those of you who I haven't spoken with, this is for you.

2010 has by far been the most emotional year I've ever had. I got married (positive!), and, sadly, lost 4 family members within the last 8 months.

My stepmom died unexpectedly in a hiking accident at Palisade Head in April. This (obviously) a huge shock, since she'd been there so many time before, proving accidents do happen. I miss her so much. She taught me so much about life, finances, all the adult-things in life. (Even shaving my legs!)

Next, I get a call from my sister, informing me that my Grandpa Ramon (Mom's Dad) is in the hospital with complications from tumors in his brain. She said he probably wont be coming back home. And he didn't. Many of you don't know this, but my Grandpa served as some inspiration for the book True Blood.  He had met the author in Vietnam, and spoken with him. This was the conversation where the name Rambo came from. I have my Grandpas autobiography, if anyone is interested. My Grandpa was a proud member of the Band of Lake Superior Ojibwe, and taught me what I know about my Native American culture.

And only days later, my Father-in-Law, Harold, passed away next, from complications with lung cancer as a result of exposure to Asian Orange during his time serving in Vietnam. He was such a great guy, with lots of heart, stories, and a laugh you'd never forget. We'll miss you, Big H.

And, Saturday morning, I got a call from my mother, in tears. My Oma is gone. She passed away in her sleep from her heart problems. (I have to stop for a moment..) And, like so many time already this year, I dropped the phone, fell to my knees in tears. Not sure if I will ever emotionally get back up off my knees. Every person I've lost this year taught me so much. I feel like I keep losing pieces of me. It's making me such a paranoid person, like the last time I see someone will be the LAST time I see them. My Oma & I were so close. She was at my wedding, many of you got to meet her. My German-doppelganger, was had a bond that no one else in our family had. It was a bond of honesty, and trust. She taught me cooking, sewing, rummage saling, you name it, we did it together. DAMMIT, I will miss her so much.

So, this is where I'm at. Definitely not ready for life yet. I feel so overwhelmed, and a bit empty, and lost. I'm hoping a 'mental health day' on the couch with help, complete with reality TV & junk food. Wish me luck. And THANK YOU, for all the FB Hugs, and messages! It really really helps, because it reminds me that I DO have other pieces of me left; the friends & family that ARE still here.


  1. Oh Nikki I'm so sorry! My heart sank after I read about everything. I pray to God he will guide you along and give you the strength and love you so need right now. BIG HUGS for you!!

  2. Their memories will live on with you! Spread that love and joy to the ones around you and eventually the hurting will ease. And with that, I give my condolences...again.

    Love Ya,

  3. Hi Nikki, first time on your blog here but I cried. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I dont think someone moves on from the loss of a loved one. Most the time I cant talk about my grandpa Jerry without crying. Some ppl just influence us that much it's hard to live without them. I hope things get better for you and your family. I am deeply sorry.
    Alisia Huss